My mental health brought me back~

Olla~
It´s been some years since I´ve used this site for something else but a way to write private scripts and stuff, ay?

Recently (well, If you follow me on Instagram and Twitter you might know that it´s been years haha) my mental health decreased haaaaaard.
Basicly since december at least, due to my birthday, which is always a horrible day for me haha and other things, my mind has been an incredibly dark place. So much that I´ve ended up with daily deathwishes since I had to come back to Germany after my trip to Tokyo in February. I won´t actually go trough with it just now, so it´s "ok" I  guess
and Oh boy.. it´s been bad.
I´ve annoyed a few people on Instagram but what they´ve heard there has been nothing compared to what´s been going on inside of me haha~ And I can tell you.. having to encounter 3 of the shitpeople that I had to go to school with, one of them being one of my 3 mainbullies, did only help to put me in a worse place haha.
Nevermind.
I´ve already said too much again.


To be honest I´ve been thinking about starting to write here again for a while but uh.. Who actually uses blogs any longer? |D
Still.. Today I thought back to how it helped me in the days when I actually managed to get out of most of my mind-bullshit a couple years ago.

Sadly I´m a person that pretty much can barely remember any recent good memories (they just tend to come back years later, and then I´m sad because today is worse hahaha. or they get overshadowed by something bad which happened afterwards, as a result to said positive occurence) and I can not see any progress in what I´m doing. At all. Which now let me to not see any point in continuing and even better.. Not feeling any joy in anything.

So I feel like having an diary to look back to once in a while and keeping track of my "accomlishments" is really needed again. Maybe then I will stop to force myself to keep up with everything and actually start to enjoy things again. Maybe..
I don´t know~ But it might be worth a try, I guess.


Well.. Now..

This week I might try to start off easy.. Just a few things that I feel like getting done..

-starting another Blog in which I´ll translate songs, Tweets, Interviews.. whatever.. daily, So that I´ll maybe see any progress in learning japanese.. (it´s gonna be private till I feel confident...)
-learn to sing two new songs.. Maybe, if I don´t keep on wondering why I do it.
-learn how to play Gloomy Spiral Mountain on Guitar..
-Maybe edit/finish the Gazette vocalcover that I´ve recorded some time ago....
-finish one Videogame so that my huge pile of shame gets smaller haha


Yeah..
I should probably also finish some stuff for Youtube but uff.. The vlogs suck so far and I don´t feel good about doing bandintroduction stuff anymore, as I feel like none of the bands would appreciate any of what I´m doing.. (I even ended up putting the Verxina video on not listed because I feel like they hate me.. or at least look down on me for it. Idk. Years of mental abuse from every side left it´s mark, it seems ay.)
So in terms of Youtube, at the moment I really don´t know when I´ll upload again. Or if I´ll ever upload again.


Hmm.. That might be it for now. Let´s see how this will "evolve"~