Video incoming~

 Hellow~~

It´s three in the morning, I just got my "script" done and finished recording my new video~ Yay :D

Is it gonna be good? Most likely not really. Especially the first part is probably full of  "not being able to focus"..
But hey, I´ve got something done~


I have an approx. 12 hour shift waiting for me, which starts in 7 hours and after that I´ll be at Yus birthdayparty, so I´m not quite sure when I´ll  be able to finish editing but I hope it´s gonna be Sunday, as I really didn´t have that much to record anyways.

So new cringe material might come either Sunday or Monday

But I gotta say that I didn´t quite follow the "practise my instruments" part that well haha...
I played Keyboard for like 10 minutes while my food was on the stove so...  Such a shame haha
But well... Babysteps are better than no steps at all, ey?

Shall we give this yet another try?..

 Olla~
Yeah, idk what I´m doing with my life to be honest haha.

I just feel like trying to write blogs again because it used to motivate me so much back in the days but since I´m kinda the only one that does this, I have no idea how long I´m gonna keep it up. Haha
In the end it might just feel like I´m talking to myself all the time and that´s probably not going to be that helpful but well.. We´ll see..

But since I´m.. especially during this great, lovely year.. feeling like I´m not making any progress in anything and just seem to stand on one same spot, I need some place where I can keep track of my "accomplishments" or whatever, so yay.


To be honest. I´ve literally wasted most of this life year and only managed to lose interest in the things that I used to enjoy the most. Top. (but to be fair... I´ve been quite handicapped, both with my "family" and aquaintances but also healthwise haha)
Only thing that I still really enjoy is playing video games but well. I didn´t suffer trough failed attempts and depression for half of my life just to end up in front of my consoles, ey?


So nevermind, As every week I made some plans that I wanted to get trough with by the end of it, but since everything seemed rather pointless, I never really did and just felt worse about it haha. And the things that I did went kinda unnoticed by myself.



With that being said I´m just gonna start to write down some weekly tasks here again and try to keep up keeping track of my progress or something. Wuhu~~
At least for the things that are not too private haha



Sooo~~
Since it´s already thursday.. I´m not going to put much in here..
just

~write the script for the video that I wanted to make almost two weeks ago haha
~ record said video (and maybe put it online but I´m not sure if I´ll have enough time for that)
~ practise my instruments daily (-guitar for now)
~ and learn a bit japanese so that maybe one day I´ll finally be able to unerstand that shit..





Also~
~be ashamed because I still didn´t bother fixing the dress that I´ve talked about in my last post haha (tho I´ve bought the fabric.. That is something I guess.. :'D)
~ and be even more ashamed because I feel like giving up on singing (for now?.. I don´t know...)


And to spice this stupid post up I´ll give you a picture of a very relaxed and brave Baby that wasn´t bothered by me trying to cut his nails :D

I´m trying, I guess~

Hello Beautiful haha


Yeah it´s been two weeks, I think?
Soo.. What have I done.. Nothing really hahaha
At least from the things that I have mentioned in my last post vv

Ok, I´ve learned the lyrics to 3 new songs, but didn´t record anything so there is nothing to show haha.
Maybe I should start to add more songs to Smule~ but trying to filter out the vocals of songs is always such a pain in the ass xX (and usually sounds like garbage hahaha)

I´ve also started the translation Blog but didn´t translate anything |''D  Haaaa~ I´m such a lazy pig hahaha

Naa, I´ve just been taking some time to rethink and focus, I guess.

At the moment I´m not so stressed out about most likely missing my change of doing a working holiday. I´m anything but happy with the situation but it can´t be helped~
I recalled some forgotten ideas about how it might still be possible to leave, even if just for a while and yeah.. it sucks but at least there are some possibilities~

I´ll keep it up~ And if I´ll be an 35year old lady by that time, then it will be that way 😤


Tho, this week I´ve started to look up fashionstuff again~
Haaa, I really wish there would be more people out there doing this again. I also wanna have some Style meetups again, so that it all doesn´t feel so lonely anymore vv
Well, maybe in autumn.

But the reason why I brought up this topic is because I wanted to show what I´ve bought this week
It´s been a while since I´ve spend so much money at once hahaha (tho it´s been far under 100 luckily)

So I´ve ordered this Sexpotshirt because the Nostalgia hit me hard and I still think it is very cute

 If I remeber correctly it is the same print as the one of my first Sexpottop~
Kinda looking forward to have it again haha (tho i still think I have it somewhere..)

I´ve also ordered some stuff on Aliexpress because I´m a cheap bitch hahaha
Just some accessories, a ripped leggins and a cute gothtop. I might show that stuff once it´s here (in 6 months maybe.... haha)(The fucking jacket that I´ve ordered in January FINALLY arrived this week!! But it´s still at my moms place because I had no new adress when I ordered it)



And since I´ve started to get more interested in Rokkugyaru/Goshikkugyaru stuff again (please make this style a thing again QQ) I also ended up looking for some brands second hand and even managed to find a dress which I already liked back when it was a thing (but didn´t get because damn it´s short), so I ended up ordering it but uh, it´s way worse than it looked on the pictures.. Like really, if I wouldn´t be such a calm person I´d probably lose my shit hahahaha

but see for yourself

besides that it´s nice tho

To be fair you could see a bit of the rubbed away stuff on one of the pics but it didn´t look that bad, just a bit where the arms would be, so no big deal but well..
I´m probably able to fix it if I get some fakeleather but it´s gonna be a pain in the ass and I fear that in the end I might have to change all the leathery stuff because there might be a big colour difference vv
so uh..
I´ll update you if I´ll fix it but first I´ll get some bandshirts and another dress fixed haha



For this week I´m not going to make a to-do list on here~  I´ll just do things and maybe talk about it idk haha
First I need to keep on working on being able to not let myself get down by negative circumstances haha

I´m hungry.

My mental health brought me back~

Olla~
It´s been some years since I´ve used this site for something else but a way to write private scripts and stuff, ay?

Recently (well, If you follow me on Instagram and Twitter you might know that it´s been years haha) my mental health decreased haaaaaard.
Basicly since december at least, due to my birthday, which is always a horrible day for me haha and other things, my mind has been an incredibly dark place. So much that I´ve ended up with daily deathwishes since I had to come back to Germany after my trip to Tokyo in February. I won´t actually go trough with it just now, so it´s "ok" I  guess
and Oh boy.. it´s been bad.
I´ve annoyed a few people on Instagram but what they´ve heard there has been nothing compared to what´s been going on inside of me haha~ And I can tell you.. having to encounter 3 of the shitpeople that I had to go to school with, one of them being one of my 3 mainbullies, did only help to put me in a worse place haha.
Nevermind.
I´ve already said too much again.


To be honest I´ve been thinking about starting to write here again for a while but uh.. Who actually uses blogs any longer? |D
Still.. Today I thought back to how it helped me in the days when I actually managed to get out of most of my mind-bullshit a couple years ago.

Sadly I´m a person that pretty much can barely remember any recent good memories (they just tend to come back years later, and then I´m sad because today is worse hahaha. or they get overshadowed by something bad which happened afterwards, as a result to said positive occurence) and I can not see any progress in what I´m doing. At all. Which now let me to not see any point in continuing and even better.. Not feeling any joy in anything.

So I feel like having an diary to look back to once in a while and keeping track of my "accomlishments" is really needed again. Maybe then I will stop to force myself to keep up with everything and actually start to enjoy things again. Maybe..
I don´t know~ But it might be worth a try, I guess.


Well.. Now..

This week I might try to start off easy.. Just a few things that I feel like getting done..

-starting another Blog in which I´ll translate songs, Tweets, Interviews.. whatever.. daily, So that I´ll maybe see any progress in learning japanese.. (it´s gonna be private till I feel confident...)
-learn to sing two new songs.. Maybe, if I don´t keep on wondering why I do it.
-learn how to play Gloomy Spiral Mountain on Guitar..
-Maybe edit/finish the Gazette vocalcover that I´ve recorded some time ago....
-finish one Videogame so that my huge pile of shame gets smaller haha


Yeah..
I should probably also finish some stuff for Youtube but uff.. The vlogs suck so far and I don´t feel good about doing bandintroduction stuff anymore, as I feel like none of the bands would appreciate any of what I´m doing.. (I even ended up putting the Verxina video on not listed because I feel like they hate me.. or at least look down on me for it. Idk. Years of mental abuse from every side left it´s mark, it seems ay.)
So in terms of Youtube, at the moment I really don´t know when I´ll upload again. Or if I´ll ever upload again.


Hmm.. That might be it for now. Let´s see how this will "evolve"~